It's Valentines Day! This day doesn't usually bring any type of feelings from me but this year is feeling a little different. A few weeks ago I read an article (that I will link here) that made some weird emotions come to the surface. Listen I am not the rom com single girl crying into her Ben and Jerrys while she watches The Notebook so that's not the picture I want to paint here. Really it's more me sitting on the couch in my own apartment, wearing a silk slip, drinking a glass of red wine like the queen I am. BUT after reading that article it's got me thinking that maybe it is time for me to try and find someone to share my life with.
I am independent to a fault. I know this about myself. If you read my Q&A blog you know I have never been in a relationship. I am comfortable on my own. Like realllly comfortable. And also capable thank you very much. I have always been the one to take care of everyone else and get super uncomfortable when I need help. These are not qualities anyone should strive for. I am a believer that all relationships in life should feel like a partnership. I just don't like to take my own advice.
I am also fat. I know I know this is BIG news to you I try so hard to hide it ;) but I do think that changes things. It's shitty but it's true. Dating doesn't look the same for me as it does for my skinny single friends. I know they all have their own struggles as we all do but I can promise you it looks different for me. Dating is garbage for everyone so imagine running through a dumpster fire while also being screamed at that you're not pretty and too this or that for some dude to find you attractive. It’s shit. And I would be bold face lying to you if I said that hasn’t played a role in it. When my friends were having drinks bought for them at bars I was getting stared at (sometimes accompanied by a laugh) and not in a fun sexy way. I am on multiple dating apps and spent a solid 6 weeks on there before I got a notification that someone liked or messaged me. In the thousands of people on there it took 6 WEEKS to find ONE dude! And yes I was being active on them. That wears on a girl you know. I don’t care how confident you are that will start to effect you. Unless you are super woman and if you are will you teach me your ways? So the thought of putting myself out there yet again is daunting and scary. Your girl doesn’t love rejection.
So we end up at a crossroads. It comes down to which feeling feels stronger. Is it the want for someone to travel with? To try new restaurants and breweries with? Someone who will handle dinner when I am working a 10 hour day? Or is the comfort of being on my own. Knowing I rely on nobody for anything. The comfort that I can do whatever I want whenever I want and it effects nobody. The knowledge that this little apartment and everything in it is mine. Mine that I have worked hard for for myself. Where I can have depressive episodes and nobody knows. And I can dance in the kitchen only to share it with people who no longer feel like strangers on the internet ;)
So that’s where we’re at. I have to decide if I want to be #datingwhilefat or #singleand30. It’s fun to boil your whole existence down to a hashtag. We will see what this day of love has in store for me next year.